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‘I Hope This Doesn’t Hurt My Image…’

Aired Thursday night: In a recent speech, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. I think they’re taking his advice, because...

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‘Bush’s Feelings Weren’t Hurt’

Aired Monday night: O.J. Simpson was arrested yesterday for armed robbery in connection with a break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, OJ was thrilled and said, “I...

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‘They Were Able To Shoot Out His Tires’

Aired Friday night : O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend told reporters that she has known O.J. for 12 years and that he would never rob or kidnap anyone. O.J.’s girlfriend said, “I’m sorry, but that’s just not...

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‘Greetings, Foreign Dudes’

Aired Tuesday night on NBC: Earlier today, President Bush gave a major foreign policy speech in front of the General Assembly of the United Nations. Bush began his speech by saying, “Greetings foreign...

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‘How About Short and Ugly?’

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: Beautiful day – am I right? Oh my gosh, so nice today that O.J. Simpson was stealing sunblock. It was so nice that the United Nations canceled its global warming conference...

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‘Have O.J. Steal the Plutonium’

Aired Wednesday night: You know, a couple of days ago at Columbia, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran. By the way, that’s why in Iran it’s nearly impossible to get your dog...

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‘Kill Someone, You Lose Your Watch’

Aired Wednesday night on CBS: How about those Mets, ladies and gentlemen? What do you think of that? And they announced that they are going to keep the manager. That’s like the White Star Line saying...

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‘It’s Over’

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: Beautiful day here in New York City, very warm again today – it was so warm that Pamela Anderson married Al Roker. By the way, this just in: Earlier today, O.J. Simpson...

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‘San Quentin, I Believe’

Aired Monday night on NBC: Welcome to Los Angeles. We have gone past global warming. We’re on global burning right now. Now when Paris Hilton says, “That’s hot,” it’s because she’s actually on fire. In...

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